ACS: Wulff hires Internet as assistant coach

PAUL WULFF MADE history today by naming the Internet to his coaching staff. But the move, while hailed by some, was summarily blasted by rival Washington.

In the spirit of Apple Cup and Rivalry week we've put together a few satire pieces for this week on CF.C.

“It’s not a new idea,” said UW coach Steve Sarkisian. “I've been talking about it for a while and my writing staff has been blogging and tweeting about hiring the Internet for a lot longer than they have. Scott (Woodward) was just in here and he says we're entitled to hire the Internet. He thinks we have a lawsuit.”

Reaction from around the country was also swift, though much of it was on the positive side.

“I wish I had thought of hiring the Intraweb, I might still be at UCLA,” said Bob Toledo.

“An Internet is a vicious animal. It gives them more bullets,” said Tyrone Willingham.

“Oh I think it’s winning! Simply an outstanding idea whose time has come. It will make every college football coach ask the question, What ar-” said Twitter.

Meanwhile, over in Pullman, Wulff said the move just made good common sense.

“Look at the Internet’s track record, when have they ever been wrong?” said Wulff.

It wasn’t immediately clear how Wulff would fit the Internet into his coaching staff or how staff meetings and other daily events would be held.

“We’ll figure all of that out later -- what’s important is that the Internet is now a part of this staff. So what if the Internet won’t watch practices or that we’ll change our personnel and base offense and defense on a daily basis? What matters is we now have the Internet’s vast football knowledge at our disposal,” said Wulff.

Not if Woodward has anything to do with it, he said.

“We intend to pursue all remedies, including bringing it up at the next session of the Legislature. What Washington State has done is to unlevel the playing field. Locking up the Internet is unfair to all 94 schools in Division I, to say nothing of the 7 other schools in our conference,” the Husky Athletic Director said in a statement.