ACS: Marques Tui's headset files for divorce

IT WAS JUST three weeks ago that Marques Tuiasosopo's headset told People and US Weekly that the relationship was on solid ground. But resentment, stress and long hours have darkened the doorstep of the once-happy parties and the headset today has filed papers to dissolve the union between man and headset.

In the spirit of Apple Cup and Rivalry week we've put together a few satire pieces, like you might find on The Onion, that we'll be running this week on CF.C. First up in the Apple Cup Satire series, a purple coupling gone bad.

We caught up with the headset in this exclusive interview.

The final straw, said the headset, came during the Huskies' bye week. The headset wanted to go out salsa dancing but Tuiasosopo insisted on staying in to watch Grey's Anatomy with the rest of the Husky coaching staff.

"He's just not fun anymore," said the headset of the Tuiasosopo, an assistant strength coach at the UW. "I mean, he's ALWAYS working with the coaching stuff -- sitting in all the staff meetings, diagramming plays with the other coaches, breaking down film. And they're just going to lose anyway so what's the point?

"What about me? What about my needs? It's over. I thought we could make it work but it's become clear I'm the only one who has been working at this relationship."

Is there no hope for a reconciliation?

"No chance. I'd rather hook onto Charlie Weis' belt buckle," said the headset.

This isn't the first headset relationship at the UW to have soured.

Tyrone Willingham's headset reportedly was barely speaking to him by the end of his Husky tenure. There have been whispers here in '09, during the UW's latest losing streak, that current coach Steve Sarkisian's headset has been quietly shopping around for jobs in the telemarketing sector -- a claim Sarkisian's Twitter writing staff vehemently denied last week.

Tune in tomorrow for more Apple Cup Satire.